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We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I never said most of the things I said.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
I can resist everything except temptation.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
Too much agreement kills a chat.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.
Nobody understands anyone 18, including those who are 18.
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
All men are equal before fish.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
An idea isn’t responsible for the people who believe in it.
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